I am so scared of the new year. I know I shouldn't be, but I have a lot to unpack & I just don't feel ready. -But time moves on whether you like it or not. Trying to hide or put things off doesn't make time stand still (no matter how much I try). So, here we are. This is a really horrible preface. Not very inspiring at all. I promise this reflection won't be so depressive. There were some very good parts, actually. (They just so happen to mostly be associated with the beginning part of this year...) I was such a bold 23-year-old. Where has she gone?
Anyway... A year is a lot to reflect on, especially one that is so jam-packed. A day is a lot to reflect on, and I have been neglectful of doing even that lately. Here is to the beauty I saw, the lessons I have learned, friends I have made, and life itself. Now, where to begin...
January.
In January I auditioned for "The Secret Garden" and was cast in my very first musical alongside a group of fantastic, talented, and hardworking people. It was so wonderful to be a part something creative and bigger than myself that inspires and brings joy to others. I got to sing again! 😊 I met great people. My soul really needed this experience and to have that community again. ❤ It also helped me get healthier physically. I ate better and was taking better care of my body in preparation for the show. We performed in March and April. 🌱
Then I went to Paris. -Another life-changing experience. My first solo trip abroad in a foreign country. How I ever got up the nerve to do something so big and drastically courageous is even beyond my own comprehension. It feels like a dream, but I did it. In real life. By myself. And THAT is a big deal. (Thank goodness I have souvenirs, photographs, and writings to prove that it actually ~did~ happen, haha, because it really does feel so surreal to me sometimes!) I love Paris. ❤❤❤ Also, Spring is my all-time favorite season, so the fact that everything was in full bloom added to the beauty and vibrancy of the city. I was blessed with pretty spectacular weather, but even when it rained, I found Paris to be so enchanting.
I had my birthday a week after I got back. As you may know from a previous post, I had to work that evening, but for lunch my sister-in-law made chicken marsala. That may seem like an insignificant detail, but she makes THE ABSOLUTE BEST chicken marsala. I'm starting to wonder if my birthday and the order of events was a concise foretelling of how the rest of my year would be... It mirrors it pretty well. Weird.
In May I sent in a self-tape audition for another show. I didn't get it, but I'm still proud of putting myself out there. :) I also painted a room. In June my aunt and cousin came to visit. I only got to see them for a little bit because I worked so much, but it was still nice to see them. I also got to see some old friends at a reunion concert and gala, which was also nice. At some point after watching "Marie Antoinette" I decided to attempt a Rococo hairstyle on myself just for fun, haha. It was an extremely lengthy process to end up looking so ridiculous. I can see why wigs were so popular, lol. I listened to Baroque music throughout the whole process.
In July I switched my phone to grayscale for a bit as an experiment to curb my phone addiction. (That is a post I have been meaning to share. The effects of the experiment were fascinating.)
Now, August has always been a significant month for me, and this year was no different in that regard. This August I started pastry school on top of working 2 jobs. I have really enjoyed it and have learned a lot so far. I have finished 4 classes and have made over 35 recipes over these past few months. I am proud of the things I have made and for getting good grades. <3 I can't move on from August, however without touching on the deep effect the passing of Olivia Newton-John had on me. She has had such a big impact on me throughout my life, so even though I never met her, it felt very personal. I still cry thinking about it. The news seemed to mark the end of the Summer for me. I was really, really sad. At first, I thought my being distraught over this loss was simply the building up of other fear, stress, and anxieties that I needed to release and would subside after a good cry. Unfortunately, it felt like everything kept going downhill from there... Let's just say that I am still trying to recover from the way I've been handled by life lately.
The Fall. -Now that's a little too on the nose, don't you think? I have got to tell you that at this point, it all seems kind of blurry. (My memory.) My schedule has been so crazy busy that most of it runs together and really all I have been trying to do is live day to day. I gave myself bangs in September. (Curtain bangs) This was the first time I have ever cut my own hair. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, though. I gave myself another haircut in October, this time even shorter. It took some time to even it out, but I am still proud of the results, given that I am by no means a professional hairdresser. :) Unfortunately, just a few days later I tested positive for covid-19, and it knocked me out. I had a bit of a meltdown the day before. I went on a walk to calm myself down, but it totally drained me instead of making me feel better. I have to admit that although miserable, I was relieved in a way to have a tangible illness that forced me to take a break from everything. I was so concerned that I had snapped from being so stressed out. The novelty of not having gone insane wore off pretty quickly, though, as being sick really did take a toll on me. Physically, I could hardly move for the first few days, and I would say that my anxiety was worse than ever. I would consider that time period to be a very low point for me. Giving myself grace and time to recover has been important during this healing process. Proper rest is so essential for us as humans. We are not robots or machines with endless productivity. I think it is important to remember that in our fast-paced culture. Something that also seemed to really help me feel better was going to a Halloween party where I was able to dance and laugh with some of my friends from the show. What a simple, yet effective magical antidote! <3
This November I went to see "The Nutcracker" with my mom. This was the second ballet I saw this year, the first being "La Bayadere" when I was in Paris. <3 December has really flown by for me. I have done a lot of wonderful and good things this year that have brought me joy and fullness. I have also planted some seeds that I am hoping will sprout this next year. I am proud of myself for taking those steps. Waiting can be hard, but I trust in God's perfect timing. I have a lot to take care of right now. I know that I have been lost in my schedule and living in more of a survival mode that has not been healthy for me. Living this way for such an extended period of time has taken such a heavy toll on me, and what I really want is to find myself again. I want to be whole. I know that not all hope is lost. I just need to refocus, redirect, and reconfigure. With that, I wish you a happy new year!
-Allie Maria <3
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
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